No one knows when they will die. No one knows how they will
die. No one knows why they will die. Phillip was no different. He thought he
was going to live to be very old. He thought he was going to have great
grandchildren. He thought he was going to live through the year. But he didn’t
know that death had been looking for him for a long time. Sometime soon, death
may just catch up to Phillip, and they will have a nice lunch and a long chat.
Or death could just take Phillip by the hand, and take him off the face of the
earth. For most of the people that knew Phillip, they would like plan B to
happen as soon as possible.
Phillip
hopped off his moldy mattress and made an attempt to leap over the stack of
beer cans, empty chip bags, and candy wrappers that had accumulated around the
bed of the fattest man to live over the age of 40. Having failed once again,
Phillip lifted his beach ball sized head out of an empty Cheetos bag. His head
was hurting, but today was not a day for losing, and having tomatoes thrown at
your face like every other day of the year. Today was moving day. With
excitement in his mind, Phillip grabbed his suitcase, and headed out the door.
After about 10 seconds of hard and intense thinking, Phillip walked back in his
15 foot by 15 foot apartment, and grabbed another bag of chips, this time Lays
Baked. If today was going to be great, why not make it even greater by gorging
yourself with greasy non healthy food that could make you look like a miniature
planet walking down the street. This was Phillip’s motto, and he stuck to it
like paper sticks to glue. After opening the jumbo sized bag, Phillip turned on
the ignition of his car, and peeled out of the driveway and off towards the
airport.
Phillip
first saw the airport about 25 minutes after leaving the apartment that he
proudly called his home. Next, he saw the plane he was going to be flying in.
It was the smallest there, and looked as if it was made out of cardboard. Not
first class material, but it would have to do. After he was finished parking,
Phillip turned to see the damage he had caused in the parking lot. He made a
mental checklist. Two dented doors, one smashed window, five broken mirrors,
and two smashed headlights. The shattered headlights came off of a yellow
Lamborghini that was as bright as the sun itself. Not too bad considering that
Phillip had failed his driver’s test more than 40 times now. But there was no
time to lose. Having a flight leaving in less than 20 minutes put a lot of
adrenaline coursing through his veins. Phillips was an Olympic sprinter,
shot-putter, and high jumper at the same time. He threw two old women out of
his way as if they were old. He leaped over a stray cat making it look as if it
were only 5 inches high. And he sprinted the 30 yards from his car to the
elevator in under two minutes which was a new personal record. Feeling proud
and accomplished, Phillip closed the door to the elevator, and headed down to
the baggage check.
No more
and no less than 15 minutes later, Phillip was getting onto the plane, and had
the entire world on his side. Everything had gone right today, except for the
failed attempt at jumping over the beer, chip, and candy wrapper style of
hoarding. That was all behind him now, and he felt that if he had another
chance, that he would complete the miraculous jump into beer and chip jumping
history. Wouldn’t that be a great name to have; The World Champion Beer and
Chip jumper. Phillip settled into his seat and tried to make himself
comfortable as that thought of greatness sailed through his beach ball sized
head with a pea sized brain. Then without any warning, the plane soared just
above the black pavement, and accelerated forward into the clear sky. Looking
out the small window, Phillip could see the emerald green trees everywhere
except the highway, and the airport. Free at last, Phillip thought to himself.
Free at last.
Or so
he thought. Phillip awoke as the plane lurched back and forth. He glanced once
again out the window, and saw nothing but blue for miles and miles. Why was he
above the ocean? Philip’s mind raced to try and remember where he was moving
to. Hawaii he remembered. Then once again the question came to him, “Why am I
above the ocean.” Suddenly the plane rocked to one side and started to do a
barrel roll. Phillip didn’t move however, because his sumo sized body took up
the entire row of seats, and his head was smashed against the ceiling. An
announcement came to the passengers through a radio device. “We are in crash
mode. The plane is going down. We have no life vests, so make any calls needed,
and pray for your life.” For about 10 seconds here was absolute silence. Then
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Were all going to die! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Were all going to die!”
Phillip was entertained. In fact, he laughed hysterically. Except you can’t
laugh when your under water, so Phillip stopped as soon as the plane made
impact with the Pacific Ocean. Looking around, Phillip could see the closed
eyes of every passenger on the plane, and their limp bodies. Phillip’s immense
size must have made the blow not as bad for him as for every other poor soul on
this piece of metal.
Although
Phillip did have a brain that was no larger than a pea, he happened to know a
lot about sharks. He knew that sharks could smell blood from over a mile away.
He also knew that one of the fiercest sharks known to man lived off the coast
of Hawaii. Another fact he knew, was that when sharks smell blood, they swim
towards the blood. Glancing around, Phillip noticed an arm floating towards him
that had been chopped off at the impact. The water was a pool of lava.
Everywhere he turned, Phillip saw red, red and more red. Panic turned to shock,
then to fear, then to both. He needed to get out of here. Having such a giant
body allowed him to hold his breath for longer, but not for too long. Open
water and fresh blood was all he could see. Making himself as thin as the
fattest toothpick on Earth, Phillip popped out of the seat and did his best
doggy paddle to the surface.
The
first thing Phillip felt was the cold. His entire body shook as it struggled to
look for any source of heat. Phillip’s head bobbed below the surface, and when
he came back up, he knew that he was in big trouble. Not being able to swim
very well was by far the biggest disadvantage for Phillip other than his weight
of course. His day had started so perfectly, it seemed almost impossible that
it could turn out this bad. There was no way that he could give up though.
Hawaii’s coast was just a few miles away, and he had the wind at his back.
Turning and doggy paddling towards the land, Phillip never turned back. Had he
done so, he would have peed his pants and flipped his lid. A fin sticking
slightly out of the water was gaining on him and fast. Having only seconds left
in his life, Phillip was about to have a long chat and a nice lunch with death
itself.
TO BE CONTINUED….
